fog

i met up with some friends for dinner at la fendee last night. it's a mediterranean joint on westheimer close to montrose that allows you to bring your own bottles of wine and provides hookah (as opposed to hooker) for smoking flavored tobacco. at a table of 10 there were around 6 bottles of various red wines. by the end of the night i had probably a total of 1.5 glasses, not much really. i think where it really affected me was in my sleep and dreams. it wasn't a very peaceful sleep and i had the most incoherent dreams, blank at times. i recall waking up thinking "am i retarded?" does alcohol actually kill brain cells or just kick them in the jimmies (mitochondria or something)? it must because i'm considering watching "slither" or "the benchwarmers".

mmm, hips...

i remember this one time that hips lied... doesn't wyclef lip synch pretty well?

lisa and ace are back in the bottom three, they really need to put them out of their misery. ok, usually when there are two contestants left and one is in the bottom three, the grouping is such that either might have a reasonable chance at being in the bottom. not this time: "one more coming down, that brings us to katharine and bucky. one of you is in the bottom three..." could bucky have been thinking "hmm, i was pretty strong last night and katharine hit that one sharp note..." wait, what the?!? katharine is in the bottom three!!! ok, these guys are good.

and katharine isn't even the first one they send back to the bench! seriously, i will stop masturbating for a week if katharine goes home tonight. ok, sigh of relief, "emmanuelle in space" is on too...

bleh

i've got a cold so let's get right to it:

lisa - guts, no glory - thumbs down
kellie - average, needed to have more fun with it, and she's sorry - thumbs up and down
ace - stop touching your hair, looked like he came out of that episode of seinfeld where the water pressure was too low, paula is a naughty lil minx - thumbs down
taylor clooney - whoa, tough guy makeover, don't think he made the connection with the viewing audience - thumbs up and down
mandisa - too many low notes in the beginning, too loud, and ass too big - thumbs up and down
chris - damn, creed, i have to call him a pussy now (see groupie samich write-up), too much screaming - thumbs up and down
katharine - i wanna see her skank out like ms. aguilera, a little off in the first half of the song, but judges loved it - thumbs up and down
bucky - sounded very mechanical and choppy - thumbs down
paris - she looked like she was having fun but i don't think she connected with the honkeys in the voting audience - thumbs up
elliott - had them on their feet, his moves were indeed hideous - thumbs up

bottom three - lisa, ace, bucky. going home - this one's tough, they all sucked.

boyz n the hood

can you believe that movie came out in 1991? it seems like i just saw it in the theater, well, not just yesterday. so the norcal kids (andrew, paul, and steve) came out to visit me in houston this wknd. it sounded like the best experiences for them were the food and treasures.

we started by going to benjy's in the village on friday night. it's a trendy place for american fare and cocktails and a decent place to people watch. there were 10 of us at dinner, i invited a few ladies out with us. paul started with a salad and tuna egg rolls, steve had the tuna tartar, andrew and i munched on flatbread and calamari. then paul and steve each had the steak and fries and andrew and i split the steak and fries and seared scallops. pretty good really altho our steak was just a tad undercooked, no biggy. for dessert they brought out two big ass servings of chocolate bread pudding. i think it was just normal bread pudding with chunks of melted chocolate in it with a side of whopper malted milk ball ice cream. i don't usually get into bread pudding but this shit was good. afterwards we went to some warehouse party hosted by a houston magazine and then to this lounge in midtown. both were fairly forgettable.

saturday morning we all played in a sand volleyball tournament, andrew and paul in the aa division and steve and i in a/bb division. as expected they won their division and we won a game. the weather was beautiful, sunny and in the 70's, and there were these brazilian twins that were quite talented and lovely. steve had his eye on this really tan asian gal in the green bikini and big white sunglasses. she had some chinese characters tattooed on her upper back that looked like you or i might have done it. in other words, not so artistic. the characters were arranged in a circle about the size of a coaster, i think it translated to "put your beer here". we left the tournament at 6pm, our reservations at fogo de chao were at 7pm. i called and tried to push our reservation back but it wasn't possible. that meant we had to go chow in shorts, sweats, flip flops, and covered in sand. fine with us really. the food there was great, if not overwhelming. 15 different types of grilled meats including steak, chicken, pork, and lamb. the salad bar was amazing too! at the end of dinner andrew decides that he needed a laxative to move all that meat along and pours cream for his coffee into his ice water. this lactose intolerant fool claims it tasted good too. we also got into the discussion of dogs in the tub. not for the squeamish: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Dogs+in+the+Tub.

we get home, wash up, and try to get some rest before heading out again. i was upstairs trying to nap but i kept hearing them crack up while watching "anacondas: the hunt for the blood orchid". at 11:30pm we head out to treasures, andrew kept reminding us what the garlic beef we just ate smelled like. as we're pulling into the parking lot we see an ambulance and about 6 cop cars, maybe more, out front. this doesn't really deter us. we see them carting out an entertainer with a sling around her right arm, maybe she fell off the stage or something. anyhow, i spent some time with "the teacher" (tan lines rule!), steve was with an asian gal, paul was with a latin american gal, and i'm not sure who neo was with, maybe donyell marshall. at 2am they serve hot food there so there's really no reason to leave. nonetheless, we did.

sunday was pretty slow. we left the house at 1pm and ate lunch at pappadeaux, which made me hate nola's in palo alto. it's a cajun seafood joint that has some tasty food and big portions. we started with 4 pounds of boiled crawfish with some new potatoes and corn thrown in. it was so good that after all the crawfish was gone we were soaking the potatoes in the seasoning and oil at the bottom the tray and throwing that down. then came the freshly tossed (hawman) greek salad and the crawfish bisque and sausage and seafood gumbo. for entrees we had some fried oysters, crawfish ettoufee, and the blackened opelousas. the latter is an 11-13 ounce farm raised redfish filet blacked with cajun spices, topped with shrimp, crabmeat, and oysters in a lemon garlic butter sauce and served with a side of dirty rice. the sad thing is i remember all of this because i was a waiter here back in college. for dessert we had creme brulee topped with berries and this mason jar filled with banana pudding, crushed vanilla wafers, and topped with fresh whipped cream. again, good shit. afterwards i drove them thru memorial park and river oaks. we got back to the crib at 3:30 in the afternoon, which meant 3.5 hours until dinner.

after watching "alien vs. predator" we left for the airport. on the way we stopped at hickory hollow for a little snack. steve got this loaded baked potato topped with chopped beef. i kid you not, this thing was bigger than his head. steve's got a small melon but still... andrew and i split the cowgirl special, which was the chicken fried steak, mashed potatoes, and salad. paul got a combo of bbq chicken, beef brisket, chicken fried steak, potato salad, and salad. this place was about a mile from the crib, i think the fellas would have preferred eating here instead of benjy's friday night.

all in all, it was a fun and relaxing weekend. next time they're back, more food and treasures. i'm not going to eat meat for a week.

kp for president

is kellie really the worst at this point? i'd have to give bucky those honors. i can see kellie on www.voteforemptiestofcranium.com tho... but i should be fair, like simon says (grab your ankles) this isn't a dance competition or an iq test, it's a singing competition.

bi2

i saw the trailer for "basic instinct 2" last night and was amazed to find out sharon stone was still in it. why not bring back michael douglas as well to complete this geriatric psycho thriller? at this point i'd be a little scared to see what she exposes when/if she uncrosses those legs again. maybe a wide angle shot of granny panties, now that's hot!

while we're on the topic of actresses in the twilight of their careers, anyone watch "family guy"? here's a line from peter griffith, the cartoon man of the house, as he's complaining about censorship on tv: "they let sarah jessica parker's face on tv and she looks like a foot." that's so wrong, yet so right.

what's a ballsy?

we got the beat, please let's not turn kevin into a sex symbol. ok, at least this was the bottom three i hoped for: kevin, lisa, and bucky. funny, ryan's wording just about gave lisa a heart attack. sorry dave, lisa's not going home just yet. wow, i've got mixed feelings. for the sake of fantasy idol i wanted bucky to get bounced but at the same kevin's time is also up. at least he was gracious about it.

gimme somethin' to break

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-582566790416699303&pr=goog-sl

barry manirow

mandiva - powerful, like that belt around her waist - thumbs up
bucky - too many low notes killed his performance - thumbs down
baby gary coleman in drag - first half was boring, second half much better - thumbs up
chris - probably his worst performance so far but he still rocked - thumbs up and down
mcpeng - tasty nougat in a purple wrapper worked it, fyi she sang that song to me - thumbs up
wait, was she not wearing a bra? damn, i think she's the naughty little minx.
taylor - this performance didn't move me like his others, would love to see him with a silver faux hawk - thumbs up and down
lisa - it's weird, this girl can really sing but i don't see myself getting behind her (hawman) - thumbs up and down
kevin - when you thing you have to thend a methage... i actually found myself wanting to harmonize along with him - thumbs up damnit
ooh damn, who was that asian gal with the flower in her hair?
elliott - was that a tie or a bib - thumbs up
am i the only one who doesn't know who lindsey cardinale is?
kellie - didn't notice til now she's got a big ass, still an idiot tho (look at the pickle!) - thumbs up
ace - not bad - thumbs up and down

going home tomorrow - lisa or bucky. manscaped today - hanky.

just caught the end of "real world". svetlana is so fine, john needs to hit that.

? man

i was having dinner with my friends duy and emma last night and they told me i had a new nickname amongst their friends. at first i was "dc", which stands for dirty chinaman. i can understand that. now i'm "mystery man". at first i thought they were questioning my sexuality but apparently it's because they (duy and emma's friends) don't know much about me, nor did the last gal i dated that they introduced me to. duy doesn't get it cuz he thinks i'm the most transparent person around. when asked i'll talk about pretty much anything in great detail. maybe it's the introverted behavior only children exhibit that they're seeing. here's the other explanation: usually when we're all together it's at a party and they're drunk and too busy biting or tearing each others clothes off or we're at dinner and the conversation focuses around some girl, we'll call her "pammy". both are probably more exciting than my life.

abs

no, not sucka's washboard stomach but anti-lock braking system. do i have it or not? i was thinking about it this morning driving to work in heavy rain. do you remember the 3 s's of emergency maneuvers with abs? stomp, stay, and steer. however, i think if you do that but don't have abs you're going into a sweet tailspin. then i was reminded of an incident when i was test driving my wrx before i bought it. a chinese couple was selling it because they were expecting their first child and wanted something bigger, perhaps a forester or outback. they let me take her out for a spin and the gentleman was in the front passenger seat. as we're tooling around the neighborhood he's telling me about the maintenance history of the car. so far everything felt and sounded good but there was one more thing i wanted to test. i ask him "can i test out the brakes?" and he says "sure, go ahead." on a straightaway i get up to about 35 mph and then slam on the brakes. the car comes to a pretty quick stop but then i see him flying out of the seat and slam into the dashboard. he didn't have his seat belt on! i'm thinking his son could have grown up without a father because he flew out the windshield of his car during a test drive with a random stranger. luckily his head didn't hit the windshield because i wouldn't have bought the car had he cracked it.

tampering

here's an interesting wrinkle that al-lani pointed out to us http://www.votefortheworst.com/. so new weekly strategy for elimination play:

1. decide who you think is the worst and most likely to get booted (ex: kevin 1000 votes)
2. look to this site and consider if the shitty contestant they're supporting could possibly swing enough votes to cause an upset (ex: kevin 1000 votes plus 500 site supporter votes) to beat out the 2nd worst (ex: bucky 1200 votes)
3. flip a mf coin

lunch factor

i was listening to the radio and the dj is interviewing a former miss alabama, i think from 2002 or 2004. apparently she was a contestant on fear factor recently, in fact she won it. i don't watch fear factor much so i don't know if you can win it in one episode or if it takes an entire season to do so. anyhow, the dj asks her what the most difficult challenge was for her. of course it wasn't a physical challenge but something she had to eat: sea cucumber with fish sauce. just like african americans dominate certain sports, asians should dominate fear factor. sign me up! fyi, i'll dominate on pros versus joes too.

later in the show they've got a contest where one person gets to go onstage with motley crue when they're here in houston next week. the two final contestants: a guy who just shaved his head and got the words "motley crue" and a buncha skulls tattooed on his skull and a guy who can pop out his fake right eyeball. by applause the eyeball guy won. now how shitty is that? granted the eyeball trick might be interesting to see but he can do this any day of the week. the other guy actually got the tattoo the day before in hopes of fulfilling a dream of being onstage with the crue. as a consolation prize they gave him a free pair of tickets to the show. they might as well have kicked him in the nuts, and then maybe his eyes would have popped out.

strokes

right now i've got tinnitus, that temporary ringing in my ears. i went to the verizon wireless theater in downtown houston last night for the strokes show. it's a small venue, kinda like the warfield in sf. in the morning i checked the website to see who the opening band was - eagles of death metal. the name alone made me pick up some ear plugs from the drugstore. we were about 25 feet from the stage when edm came on. the ear plugs worked pretty well, pretty much allowing in just the low frequencies, drums and bass. get this, there were two drummers! one had a full kit, the other had a half kit with some other percussion effects. here's who the band looked like: freddie mercury from queen, drew carrie with a short mohawk, craig kilborn, pink with blonde hair, and any metalhead with long dark hair. i couldn't hear them all too well but from what i could tell they had a few catchy tunes and a decent following in attendance. the ear plugs came out for the strokes and they sounded great! julian casablancas wasn't as stoned or as much of a dick as i've seen in the past. the bassist was great, he played his fender jazz standing straight up with his feet together, perfect posture and poise. now i know it's strange hearing this from me (being diesel and all) but these guys are skinny. maybe it's all the cigarettes. anyhow, i'm listening to julian sing and i'm thinking he wouldn't even make it to hollywood if he tried out for american idol. he'd show up drunk or high, he'd look like he just rolled out of bed, he'd forget his lyrics, and then he'd call simon a fag. actually, that'd be pretty entertaining. beats watching kevin perform. i remember at one point thinking these guys have the best job in the world and it was just inspiring watching them. makes me so glad to be configuring software. sigh...

american idiot

it's thursday morning and i'm just now watching the ai elimination from last night. i know, i'm slipping but i was at the strokes show last night, more on that later. the three with the lowest number of votes were ace, melissa, and lisa. ace and melissa i'm not surprised by, lisa i am. really, what the fuck is going on america? lisa is a talented girl, kevin sucks ass! coming back from commercial there was a commercial/video for ford with the final twelve singing "all i want" by toad the wet sprocket. it starts with chris on guitar around the camp fire and one by one another idol joins the fray. wasn't it just painful when kevin and his lisp joined in? the worst part about it is kevin is going to be thinking he's the shit. maybe he'll be even more brazen with his retorts to simon next week. turns out the lowest vote count was for melissa. ryan asks her if she thought she'd be standing up there tonight and she nodded. here's the scenario i would've loved to see:

ryan - did you think you'd be standing up here tonight?
mel - no. it should've been that sorry fucker!
(mel points to the top row of contestants)
mel - you no talent lisp having can't dance chicken little looking arrogant piece of shit! i'm gonna kick your fucking ass!
(kevin's jaw drops as he hides behind ace, which doesn't help since ace is a pussy too)

my dvr pretty much cut off here so i didn't hear her singing again. did she remember the lyrics this time around? also, are her thingies real? i'm leaning towards yes, maybe.

overhead on the other side of the cubicle:

did you watch american idol last night?
naw, who got kicked off?
some girl, i forget. no one important.
what about that little crazy man?
he's still on there, i don't know what that's all about.
i saw "black and white" last night.
oh, i missed it again, how was that?
girl, it was good. it was really good.
you need to call me next time it's on.

mmm... donuts...

here's a slightly embarassing situation i ran into this morning. at the office building i decide to take the stairs instead of the elevator to the 2nd floor. as soon as you open the door from the stairwell you see the glass walls of a conference room. as i'm turning left to head down the hall towards my area i see two open donut boxes. i actually stop and double back to see if there's anything in those boxes and sure enuf they're full. i mean, i didn't just look back, my face came down and was close to the glass wall since the boxes were on the other side of the glass and it was completely dark in the conference room. i was even trying to figure out what kind of donuts they were, glazed or sugar i believe. i'm thinking donuts in an empty conference room? i'm so there! but then i look up from the donuts and turns out there's a room full of people in there watching some type of presentation in the dark. i couldn't tell who they were or which way they were looking but i got the hell out of there. i'm hoping i wasn't the only one that stopped for some window shopping. come on, donuts in the morning in plain view but out of reach? it's just like a line from that howard jones song. you can build a mansion but you just can't live in it, you're the fastest runner but you're not allowed to win...

wonder-ful

the show started with stevie wonder showing up to surprise the contestants, evoking tears galore. i might have the same reaction if i met, like, beck maybe. actually, i already met him and got his autograph at lax about 8 years ago and didn't cry. tonight everyone has to sing a stevie wonder song, which should be either really good or really bad. ace was mediocre, he should just step on stage and whip out his schlong and keep his mouth shut. i think he'd get the same number of votes regardless. ms. pickler admitted to not knowing any stevie wonder and it showed. absolutely forgettable performance. she's not as hot as jessica simpson but possibly dumber. elliott performed pretty well, no surprise. he reminds me of that mutant toad in the x-men movie. leilani, mandisa isn't winning shit if she continues to shout her songs like that, even tho all the judges liked it. and one of her legs is probably bigger than you. i was im-ing during bucky's song, all i heard was simon bagging on his jessica simpson hairstyle. funny, stevie was giving melissa shit for screwing up his lyrics during practice. then she forgot them again during her performance, but at least she was all shimmery. lisa was pretty good, the judges really liked it. stevie wonder said chicken little had "an interesting voice". simon said it was appalling, which i'll have to agree with. mmm... mcpheng is just juicy. i wish she would've had a janet jackson type wardrobe malfunction. taylor was great, i'm gonna try his moves at the club next wknd. no doubt, paris is good. apparently joyce also thinks she looks like gary coleman in drag. at some point she needs to make that face and go "whatchu talkin bout simon?" at the tiger bomb reunion tour we're doing "higher ground", we'll try to do chris proud. he got lucky that the chili peppers did a rock version. going home? kevin. going home with me? katharine.

hos vs. joes

you ever seen pros vs. joes? where normal people go up against athletes in various competitions. the first one this week three guys went up against olympic gold medalist softball pitcher jenny finch. this girl was making these guys look like bitches. she started by blowing some fastballs right by them, then making them miss with changeups and breaking balls. just ignorant. the best part about it, she's just up there smiling and laughing and chatting it up.

hawman

hawman - noun or verb, euphemism for anything remotely sexual. examples: she was all over my hawman, let's go back to my place and hawman. can be pronounced quickly or drawn out for emphasis. origin - unclear but used heavily by william wu, henry peng, and eugene shen. actually, it can be used in any situation.

i'm writing this in my hotel room in a doubletree in downtown little rock, arkansas, and i look up to see this scene on the boob (hawman) tube. a patient, who looks like kenny mayne of espn, in one of those backless gowns is crouched over an examination table facing the camera calmly waiting for a rectal or prostate exam. the doctor opens the door and enters the room, is talking to the patient, and begins putting on his rubber gloves. his hands are huge and chunky, kinda like he had on those incredible hulk fists that make exploding noises when you punch someone while wearing them. the patient looks back, his eyes suddenly widen when he gets a glimps at those hands that are about to go into his ass, and he gets off the table and bolts out the door. this is a commercial for national car rental. aside: article about how the hulk hands changed a guy's life http://x-entertainment.com/articles/0748/.

yesterday i'm driving by allen parkway and waugh on my way to the office. from a distance i see this jogger wearing those tiny running shorts and a black mesh sleeveless shirt. what a strange running outfit, right? well, it is close to montrose (houston's castro) i figure. but as i get closer i notice that it's not a shirt but hair on his back. sweet.

at the airport yesterday i get in line for the security check behind a bunch of girls that play golf for the arkansas razorbacks. they've all got khaki shorts, a white polo under a black sleveless vest, sneakers, and big ass calves. is that a prereq or a result of golfing? some of them had calves that would make me and franky look like spencer. for those of you that haven't seen spencer's "calves" they're, um, lean.

if you put a fan and some confetti in a vacuum and turn on the fan, does the confetti get blown around? my initial answer is no since a vacuum would imply a complete lack of air so there isn't anything to blow. what do you think? hawman.

get this, i just found out there is a hawman family crest! http://www.houseofnames.com/xq/asp.fc/qx/hawman-family-crest.htm

wtf?

was it just me or was bo bice a little off? no surprise, kinnik is the first gal and will is the first guy dismissed. you did houston proud by getting this far. now if katharine marries me she can take on the duties of houston representation. fuck! shit! melissa made it and ayla didn't! ayla might not be a natural talent but she doesn't deserve to leave tonight, altho her last song made her road a little more difficult. crap, ace and chicken little are in the top 12. damn, gideon didn't make it, i'd have to say i'm surprised. v, i know you're happy about that. hmm. i was 4 for 6 on the men and 5 for 6 on the women, not bad i guess. i'm left a little puzzled.

nice chips

i was at fry's electronics the other night picking up a usb cable to connect my laptop to my receiver. that'll allow me to stream music from my laptop to my home audio system. the receiver came with this usb remote transmitter that would allow wireless streaming but i found that it interfered with the wireless internet signal on my laptop. i'll just use the wireless transmitter with my desktop since it's hooked up directly to the router. anyhow, at the end of the computer accessories aisle i see these two ladies dressed in abercrombie-ish gear. cute too. then they camped in front of the motherboards mounted on the wall and seemed to engage in technical discussion. kinda hot, right? what's a brother to say, "nice chips"? i don't know my way around the internals of a computer (i left that to my former landlord, neo) but the thought of these gals tinkering with their own computers was kinda sexy. it may be common these days but when i was in college we barely used the computer except for word processing, never for email or the internet. for me, the equivalent might be gals checking out a wrx, classic steel mountain bikes, bass guitars, or the candy aisle. i met a stripper in houston that owned a wrx sti, sandy in sf owns a bontrager, and i met an intermediate bass player at guitar center in sf. 3 down, 1 to go.

run forest, run!

taylor hicks, something is wrong with that guy and i love it! his dance moves were whack but he'll be sailing thru to the next round. nothing special from elliott or chris tonight. damn, ace showed some range tonight. i don't know why but i want him to go home but i don't think he will this week. two of these three are going home: bucky, kevin, will.

groupie samich

you may have heard about this recently. a 45 minute sex tape featuring kid rock and scott stapp, former vocalist of creed, tag teaming several groupies recently surfaced. let's see, two minutes a piece, that leaves an extra 41 minutes for cuddling? anyhow, the joke is that the most common question people ask kid rock isn't "why the hell would you tape it?" but instead "why were you hanging out with scott stapp?" when did creed/stapp become considered a bunch of pussies? didn't they win a grammy? haven't we all sung along to some of their tunes (can you take me higher...)? maybe when your song is used in a cartoon movie set in space you lose all rock credibility? here's the kicker. stapp recently married former miss new york jaclyn nesheiwat. she's the director of public affairs for the scott stapp foundation, which promotes healthy parent-child relationships. um, you see, wha had happened...

steak and bj day

i was listening to the rod ryan show on 94.5 this morning and he was promoting this new special occasion. valentine's day is all about the ladies, right? you buy them flowers and girly stuff and take them to a nice restaurant, etc. i know, we do all this to make her feel special so that we can get laid (see men's english below) but that's beside the point. well, just like there's a father's day to go with mother's day, there should be a valentine's day where the man is the focus. that's where steak and bj day comes in, 30 days after v day. i think the name says it all. but then i'm thinking what would be the ladies' motivation to celebrate this? they can get it whenever they want. i know, i'm missing a picture.

these guys also hosted a "morningwood derby". it's kinda like the car race we did as boy scouts where everyone was given a small block of pine wood to carve a car out of. on the left is a picture of some entries that made it in. on the right, disqualified entry "pencil dick". you know, the kids.

$61.83

that's how much i just spent at the grocery store. how much of that was candy? about a third of it. just kidding, altho there are some who might believe it. the real answer? zero dollars and zero cents. not bad right? does juice count?

vital idol

strange thing tonight, the singers who had the best song selection (at the time they sang), melissa and kinnik, really killed their songs. lisa and paris before them chose some older songs but at least sang them well. man, i love watching mcphee shake it and jiggle! she seems really goofy too, i think we'd get along just swell. i hated the beginning of ayla's song (too low) but the rest really picked up. man, the ac at the crib is cold! mandisa chose a great song for her and she sounded great with the background vocals. holla dogpound! kellie's performance was on point too, and she loves dogs. simon calls her a naughty little minx (i agree) and prefers her to last year's winner, carrie underwood (i might not agree vocally). but yeah, i think she's got some freak in her.

best performances - mandisa, katharine, kellie
going home - melissa, kinnik

harassment

i have to take this online course on harassment at work. here's a sweet skit that demonstrates how we're sposed to conduct ourselves at work:

steve (korean): yo johnny, we need you. we're playing accounting tonight and i got $50 on the game.
john (african american): i told you, i don't play basketball.
bob (white): right, right. look, we just need your leaping ability is all.
john: what makes you think i can jump?
steve: come on, stop being so politically correct. koreans, we can't jump, known fact. white boys...
bob: can't jump. didn't you see the movie?
john: is that so?
bob: genetics man! that's what years of running from man-eating lions got you. it's a good thing, i wish i had leaps.
steve: if i had leaps i'd be unstoppable!

note: this skit is straight from the online course!

Top Four-word Phrases a Guy Uses to Get Out of a Bad Date.

"This locator anklet chafes."
"My wife is calling..."
"Up for some buttsecks?"
"Is your mom hot?"
"Anal hygiene is overrated."
"Do you like bukkake?"
"Carpet match the drapes?"
"Will you marry me?"
"I voted for W."
"Yes, you are fat."
"Women don't have orgasms"
"Your friends are hotter"
"My wallet is empty."
"Hello fatty, wanna f*ck?"

Sucka

personals

this is from an email i received recently, i thought it was pretty funny.

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
40-ish...................................49
Adventurous........................Slept with everyone
Athletic...............................No tits
Average looking...................Ugly
Beautiful............................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile.................Does a lot of pills
Emotionally Secure..............On medication
Feminist.............................Fat
Free spirit...........................Junkie
Friendship first..................Former slut
Fun...................................Annoying
New-Age...........................Body hair in the wrong places
Old-fashioned....................No BJs
Open-minded......................Desperate
Outgoing............................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate........................Sloppy drunk
Professional......................Bitch
Voluptuous.......................Very Fat
Large frame......................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate..................Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

neuticles

on saturday i went to a volunteer orientation session at the houston spca. there was a slide show that went over the facility, their history, and policies. then they showed a short video where one of the topics was euthanasia. ali g would ask why we're blaming the senseless killing of animals on gangs in china. i found this to be amazing: the houston spca doesn't turn any animals away and in a given day can admit up to 200 animals. the facility isn't huge so that means they've got to house some, get some adopted out, and euthanize the rest. i believe their policy is to euthanize any animal that has an incurable illness or is deemed not fit for adoption due to injury or temperment. anyhow, the video showed one person lovingly holding a dog or cat and another administering the lethal injection of sodium pentobarbital. right after the shot was given the animal is slowly laid down as if to put it to sleep and they die in a matter of seconds. at least it's quick and painless but tell that to all the girls in the class that were crying. if you've got a dog or cat please have them neutered/spayed. if you're worried about emasculating your pet by removing their nuggets there's this company that sells neuticles, testicular implants for pets (http://www.neuticles.com/index1.html). sucka, you should look into a pair.

i also noticed two sales methods that day. the first lady (not the president's wife) was an spca volunteer trying to sell us on animal fostering. that means taking an animal into your home for a short period of time due to space issues at the facility. she's holding a tiny puppy in her arm, real fluffy, black head, white body, and totally cute. the whole time she's talking she's waving this dog around, pointing him at us, and showering him with kisses. and then she says "imagine this waiting for you when you come home." a bunch of us grab information and applications after her little spiel. the second guy is working at the benefit cosmetics counter at foleys. as i walk by on my way out i hear him say to a potential customer "do you watch the o.c.? you know mischa barton? she uses this stuff." i'm thinking mischa could use olive oil and bread crumbs and still look hot as hell.

anyone watching the latest real world set in key west? so far i can see drama coming from these two sources: svetlana and the anorexic gal. svetlana is this super hot 19 year old gal, with a slammin body and cute face, but needs constant attention and has a boyfriend back home. there's only so much phone sex you can have, zach or john is going to punch that monkey (please leak the video footage). and the anorexic gal was already hyperventilating after a drunken and juvenile "you got a tiny weenie/you got no boobs" fight with her meathead housemate. and i think roomies jose and tyler will hook up. yeah, they're both guys.

i also played sand volleyball for the first time since waikiki last year. i played with this fella j.p. that i've played with/against indoors a few times. we had some ball control issues (he's a middle hitter, i'm just bad) but otherwise did ok. luckily we lost our 4th match cuz my calves were starting to cramp. weak sauce, i know. the weather is getting nicer so hopefully i can get to memorial park more often and get my sand legs back.

if coffee stains your teeth brown, what does green tea do? i don't wanna look like i've been eating kermit the frog cuz, well, he's a guy frog. if it was kerrie the frog, all good.

more eliminations...

ok, the thursday night live broadcast of the next 4 cut is being watched on tivo on friday. it starts with ryan saying "it's thursday night which means more eliminations." doesn't that sound disgusting (code brown)? speaking of, what's code black? it was recently mentioned on one of the many hospital setting tv drama series. anyhow, all 20 singing a song together, isn't that retarded. you don't see the defense and prosecution teams on a murder case partying together at happy hour before the decision is rendered, do you? maybe they're all hi fivin and talkin bout gettin pizaid? paul, that was for you. carrie underwood also shows up to perform a song. she was my favorite last season, i thought she had a better voice but bo had better stage presence. she also had a peekaboo top that was kinda sweet. so the first two gals kicked off were announced: heather and brenna. shit, ace isn't going to get cut yet! i was just relieved to hear taylor wasn't in the bottom three. so sway and david are going home. i'm 3-1 from this week's picks but still perfect as far as the final 12 (to be announced next wk) are concerned. brenna is a money hungry beotch, i bet we see her in playboy before we hear her on the radio. heather should pose with her, simon should critique their t&a, and america should crank, er, vote one off.

slice the sausage

dangit, taylor's performance, altho enthusiastic, was only average. elliott tho, that was something else! i didn't even know the song. ace and his beanie will be perfect for the backdoor boys. he picks out his accessories like a woman! and when gedeon sings you can see all 40 of his molars! he sang pretty well tho, even simon changed his tune, which made him smile even bigger. now i know why kevin is doing this: to get laid. here i come ai 2007! i thought sway sang pretty well but simon ("this is exactly how not to do well on a show like this") totally crushed his spirit! it was sad, the judges had him convinced he had an off day. he looks like a small alan frias. greg brady was average again. someone get bucky home, he's shrinking before our eyes. and something about david really makes me think jerry lewis. another rockin performance by chris, that boy can belt.

best performances: elliott and chris again.

going home: take any two from ace, kevin, will, and david.