for that ass

i went to west end bicycles this afternoon and was pretty impressed. this bike shop is basically in a converted house in the middle of a residential area. before i moved away the houses around it were pretty old and beat, kinda like my current neighborhood. but now it's all big and new townhouses everywhere! i'm hoping the same kind of development occurs in my neighborhood and will look like this in a few years. anyhow, the cool thing about this shop, other than it's been around for like 20 years, is that there's a mountain bike museum up front. old mountain bikes by pioneers in the industry. i saw an old gary fisher, softride, yeti, mountain goat, ritchey, and a ton of others. i need a helmet cuz my old one is about a decade old so i might be coming back in the near future.

it's still hot as balls in houston. i went to memorial golf course around noon to practice putting and chipping. it's getting better but i still suck. i'm supposed to play twilite with louis today, we'll see how neo's old clubs perform out here.

then i went to kroger and bought fruit for that ass! what i mean by that is that i bought a ton of fruit. although if you've see jackass 1 or 2 the fruit could actually be for your ass. in j1, one fella put a toy car in his ass and got x-ray'd by a physician after complaining of abdominal pains. in j2, steve-o stuck a clear plastic tube in his ass and chugged beer poured from a funnel above. i saw j2 last night and i haven't laughed so hard in a really, really, really long time. probably since 2002 when i saw j1 in sf. some of the clips and stunts were pretty dumb, but the majority was either amazing, incredibly painful, and/or just insane. even if you know what's about to happen you can't help but laugh when it occurs. ohmygod, i was literally crying at one point. there's defecation, eating of horse shit, drinking of horse semen, and plenty of vomiting. the fart mask was stupid crazy. just go check it out, i might even go with you.

Craigslist Strangeness.

So I posted on Craigslist an Armoire for sale. Vanessa and I paid over $2,000 for it originally, but I was asking $900 since there's no place for it in the condo. And typically, you'd like to get .50 cents on the dollar for any used furniture so it's a pretty fair price for it.

So here's a response that I get from Craigslist:

"I saw your posting at craigslist.org for an armoire. I am a certified massage therapist and a certified personal fitness trainer. I would be willing to trade two 2 hour sessions for it(either massage therapy OR personal fitness training), provided it is made of solid(REAL) wood and NOT particle board. I also want to make sure that all the parts work properly, and that there is no major structural or cosmetic damage, etc. I have a large van and an industrial-grade dolly with a 700 pound capacity. I can pick it up as soon as you want. The voucher I would give you is transferable, which means that you can use it yourself, and you can also give it to someone as a gift. Please let me know if you are interested."

So my initial response is this:

1. Not interested...and you're retarded.
2. The sales price is $900...NOT $90...please re-read the post.
3. You are offering a 2-hour massage therapy session?!? I better get 3 happy endings and you better look like Lindsay Lohan (shut-up, I think she's hot!).
4. You are only interested, if the armoire is a high-quality one?!? Dood...how about if I throw in a sandwich and wash your car for you while you're here picking it up...anything else I can do for you?

At any rate, I am inclined to not even respond because I don't want this guy to have my e-mail address. Any suggestions on what I should write back?

-- Spencer

jackass 2

has anyone seen it yet? have you seen the first one? i saw it a few years ago in sf and i was CRYING. it was retarded yet funny as hell. i went to rottentomatoes.com (http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/jackass_number_2/) to look up the rating for jackass 2 and it currently has a 61% fresh rating. that simply means more people gave it a good rating over a shitty one. then i glossed over the various blurbs it has received and saw one that made me laugh out loud. "there is inherently something riotous about watching a man get pubic hairs glued to his face. i'm not sure why, it just is." this was posted by brian orndorf of ohmynews.com, not that his name or site means anything to me. even worse, i think i was laughing because it reminded me of an ancient episode of beavis and butthead. they were trying to score with chicks at the mall so they glued a bunch of freshly cleaved hair onto their faces. just ignorant, yet pure genius.

My Halloweenie Costume.

I just hope none of the attachments get caught in the elevator doors when I wear it to the office.

-- Spencer

anti-social in sf

so paul is always calling me anti-social. not anti-social as in hiding in a corner and being a recluse, but anti-social like some sort of deviant. i always figured it was because he was wound too tightly (i was wrong, let's not forget paul ate peanuts from momo's toes shortly after meeting her) but it seems i do exhibit some anti-social behavior. here are some examples from my recent san francisco trip:

1. at vicki and stew's wedding, vicki and stew made their rounds by everyone's tables to thank everyone for coming. when they came near ours, margie wanted a picture taken with the happy couple so asked me to take a picture with her camera. this is the picture i took and also "made" dave huang take with his own...

2. on friday mimi and i are walking around union street and her friend marina joins us. we're all a little thirsty so we step into this french bakery. for whatever reason they decide not to get anything but i'm drawn to the condiment counter in the back. there's this big jar of nutella just staring me down. i take a few scoops out of the jar and eat it straight. they follow suit with the homemade jams. we still didn't buy anything before walking out.

3. after dinner marina and i hit this spot called medjool on mission and 21st. it looks like a big loft with the main dining area and bar on the ground floor with extra bars and seating above/around it. we head up to the mezzanine level and look over the bar and dining area. she comments on how the dining area gets cleared to make room for dancing later. i comment on how i can spit right into the exposed sugar bowls below.

4. as i'm leaving neo's place to head to sfo, paul and i are hauling my luggage through the parking garage towards the street where paul is parked. we're about to pass the vending machine right by the exit but mid-stride and sentence i step in front of the vending machine. as i'm still carrying on the conversation with paul i rock the machine back and forth once to dislodge a hersheys chocolate bar. i retrieve it and stash it in my luggage. i rock it two more times and a nestle crunch bar drops. i stash that in my luggage as well and we're on our way.


more pictures from the wedding:





"hanky, i wouldn't marry you cuz you're only this big..."









"hey margie, let's take this cool picture where you totally feel me up..."

New Home in Redwood Shores.

I bought a new place in Redwood Shores. It's a 1 minute drive from Oracle's headquarters...and since some analysts suggest that Informatica will eventually be acquired by them, I may be just helping my own commute out for the future (man I am so forward-thinking).

At any rate, I hate moving, I hate packing then unpacking. Actually, you always have to pack...but the unpacking is clearly optional. I've been at my new place for nearly 2 months and I have only unpacked the essentials, such as: coffee maker, plasma TV, Xbox 360, and another TV. I think I should start unpacking the toilet paper and plates by Christmas.

Here's Mia and I munkey'ing around at my new place (she so skinny):



-- Spencer

the six unhealthy toxins

here's an email deb found from a few years back. it started after me, sucka, and neo took this one remedial breakdancing class at dance mission. it was taught by this guy that goes by "skorpio" who rolls up on his bmx bike. anyhow, he's prolly a sweet dancer but can't teach for shit. anyhow, i sent sucka some flyer for a breakdancing competition and he responds with the following...


We should enter, we can dominate as a team...like that old Chinese movie, the "Five Poisons". All of us possessing unique dancing capabilities, but even more deadly when we fight as a team. I'm thinking:

Vanessa aka "Popping" Poison...because she's got them long limbs that would make her popping look more dramatic.
Hanky aka "Rocking" Poison...because he got them smooth, silky "bedroom" moves on the floor.
Paul aka "Breaking" Poison...because Paulie can spin on his head and shit!
Andrew aka "Locking" Poison...because he can flex his perfectly symmetrical muscles.
Spencer aka "BoomBox" Poison...I just sit there with the bog boombox, inciting the crowd into a riot.
Debbie aka "The Wildcard" Poison...Debbie, I don't know you, but I am sure you gots mad skillz to be poisonous also.

-- hanky

Dinner With My Retarded Friends.

It was unavoidable that Heidi would have to eventually meet my retarded friends. You know the usual suspects: Neo (he don't like loud, drunk chicks in his apartment), Paulie (he don't like hair brushes), and Hanky (he don't like commitments, but he likes candy). Hanky is in town so Heidi, Paulie, and I meet up with him for sushi in San Mateo.

I tell Heidi ahead of time that these aren't my real friends...I tell her that my real friends are really smart, wealthy, and really mature. Then I go on to explain that my real friends are all out of town so we have to meet up with Paulie and Hanky instead. I think she buys it.

So the night goes something like this:

• Hanky shows up dressed like the Caltrans roadside crew
• Paulie shows up with his hair even krazier than usual
• There's 4 of us...we order enough for 8
• Paulie tells us he's not gay but shows up in an extra small, extra tight tee-shirt that accentuates his nips
• Hanky talks about hookers and his mom (actually, that counts as 1 topic)
• We talk about ninjas
• Paulie and Heidi talk about the problems with Paulie's "worm"...Paulie then challenges Heidi to a worm-off
• We eat green tea ice cream...it was good

A typical night when my "real" friends are out of town.

-- Spencer

p.s. On a totally unrelated note...check out Heidi's "guns":

i left my pants in houston

i guess you never realize how much you miss a city until you've been away from it for a while. even just doing the most mundane things seem so much more pleasant out here. andrew and i were supposed to go to lake tahoe today to watch the best of the beach avp tournament but since i got in so late last night i said forget it. 4 hours to drive up, watch for about 4 hours, drive another 4 back. definitely not worth it unless ms. wacholder is taking me back to the players tent for some private coaching.

instead, i woke up late, grabbed a toasted bagel with cream cheese and lox at crossroads with neo, and ate it back at his crib while browsing sf craigslist. a far cry from a typical morning at work. i also had to do a little shopping since i apparently forgot to bring pants for work next week. unreal. i went to j.crew because their pants seem to fit me right and the gay fella working there made sure of it. i tried on a pair while he was looking for a different pair for me. he knocks on the dressing room door and i open it since i've already got the pants on. he comes in and kneels down in front of me as if he's about to give me the business. i'm thinking sweet! jk. he tugs and adjusts the pants and agrees that they fit well. i was suddenly reminded of that episode of "friends" where ross and joey are talking about how they get fitted for pants.

then i swung by the apple store where i checked out the new nanos. pretty sweet, smaller than my current one, enclosed in anodized aluminum, and more memory and battery life for a better price. i was really curious to see the new shufffle but it won't be out until october. next came the camper store. sweet kicks as always but hella expensive. then i walked over to south park to grab a bite at caffe centro. back in the hopping dotcom days that area was kicking. everyone and their mother and dogs would be hanging out there during lunch. when i was working at epylon we'd take turns going to pepitos and caffe centro and lee's deli, the last two are still around. i got a counter panini with white cheddar and salami and asked them to slather some pesto in there. i also got a class of lemonade and threw a couple squirts of honey in there to sweeten it a bit. no need to choke it down and hurry back to work either. along the walk back from downtown i saw a few red suzuki sv650's parked along the street. i miss having that bike.

damn, ain't it great taking a day off in another city, especially one as nice as sf? if you're working today, it sucks to be you. it'll suck to be me on monday but at least i'll still be in sf.

bare traffic control

my dad took me to the airport today as i head to san francisco for a week. he's retired now so has nothing better to do. that's probably not true but i asked him anyway. i get to the airport at about 5pm as my flight is at 7pm. there is a line out the door to check in! luckily i checked in and printed out my boarding pass at the crib and was able to walk right in to the baggage drop off area. turns out my flight is delayed til 8:30pm and then 9pm! poor neo.

i'm just kinda roamin around the airport and what do i see? a ton of business men sitting and walking around. and a buncha sexy ladies on their way to or from miami or something. hmm, you know what airports need? that's right, strip joints. hell, anywhere that you might have to wait, strip joints. gotta wait an hour at the dmv or passport office? step through this door into the champagne room... flight delayed 3 hours? slow service at grand lux cafe? sure, have a seat on my lap... the bride a little behind schedule? you know the drill...

thank you drive thru

i went home to have dinner with the folks tonight, yummy and fun as usual. afterwards i stopped by sports authority cuz i'm on a temporary golf kick. just inside i stop to check out some kicks. i see this brother and his daughter walking in and right up to me and he starts asking me where something or the other is. i'm not even paying attention to what he wants but i finally tell him i don't work here. he apologizes and they walk away. damnit, i just missed an opportunity to send someone to the jock strap aisle. i was wearing a red short sleeved polo shirt, boot cut khakis, a black belt and shoes. sheit, if i look like an employee next time i'm walking out the door with some drivers or walking thru the women's dressing room. whoops, let me go get my manager...

mack brown is dating paris hilton

how do i know? did you see that big ass cold sore on his upper lip during the ut-osu game? it was like a second nose. someone said there was a play that ran to the sideline and knocked him silly, perhaps causing a bloody lip. or paris bit his face. either way, i'm not sure which mack is more embarassed by, his herpes or his team's shitty play. if i can just keep the camera on me, maybe they won't notice how badly we're getting molested...

on saturday i heard that jessica simpson was dating john mayer. i was surprised by that, i figured he'd go for someone more, i dunno, not dumb. later that night i heard a radio personality break the news that john mayer dumped her, citing that she was using him for publicity. the dj then went on to question jm's rationale by saying 1) no one knows who jm is, and 2) he's not the one with double d's.

is it unprofessional for a massage therapist to tell you you've got a "bodacious bod" while she's tenderizing your glutes? i guess it depends if she's cute/hot.

counting craps

i saw this commercial today and found it so true. i think it went something like this... a family of three is sitting in their living room watching tv. the voiceover says "the only thing worse than your house smelling like fish..." and fish rain down in the living room. flowers then rain down and the voiceover says "is your house smelling like fish and flowers." it was a commercial for some deodorizing product that eliminates instead of just covering up odors. why is it that when we drop bombs in someone's bathroom we insist on lighting matches and making the john smell like grilled shit? medium well please.

i went to the counting crows concert at the woodlands. it's been probably a year since i've been there and i swore it was up 59 north. it was up 45 north. it'd be like leaving san francisco heading down 280, turning around at san jose, heading east on 92, down 101 south and finally finding shoreline. piece of shit memory.

anyhow, we missed half of the goo goo dolls' set but they played enough of their hits to satisfy me. strange thing is they've got this bass player that totally didn't fit in. he's got dreadlocks, wore a black t-shirt and black jeans, and was slapping away on his bass and running all over the stage. everyone else is fairly clean cut and stationary. he even sang a couple of songs instead of the regular lead singer. who was this guy? he was hella creepy.

counting crows came on and adam duritz proved that you can be fat, ugly, and drunk and still kick ass at your job. he started talking after the first or second song and he just rambled on and on. then when the next song played he actually forgot to sing again at some point. everyone was just waiting and he finally continued. i've seen these guys probably 7 times live and he's never done this. regardless, they put on a great show and the weather was actually unreal, cool and breezy instead of hot and humid. nothing like a good performance to recharge your battery. i'm ready for the next one already.

no blanket for you!

roula and i are going to see counting crows and the goo goo dolls in the woodlands tonight. it rained the other day and since we're sitting on the lawn we talked about bringing a blanket to sit on. i told her i'd check the website to make sure we'd be allowed to bring it in and here's what it said:

Blankets have been used by guests to throw other guests into the air causing serious injury. We have chosen not to permit blankets at certain shows that have a history of this behavior. You may, however, bring something the size of a regular bath towel to sit on.

is this hilarious or what? after a few wine coolers i'm sure this crowd is gonna get pretty crazy and start slinging fools left and right. i guess i'll just wear depends tonight. again.

she stole my move

looks kinda weird when done 90% nekid.

long wknd, long drives

it's been a while since my last golf outting, maybe a year ago? yesterday louis, willie, and i went to bear creek to play some twilight golf. that just means at you just walk on around 5:30 or so and pay a discounted rate but you probably won't get to play 18 holes before it gets dark. $13 per person including green fees and carts, not bad at all. we went to the driving range and split a bucket. willie and louis were striking the balls pretty well, mine were horrible. it didn't look like a very good round coming up.

to make things slightly interesting we decided to play skins, each hole worth 50 cents from the losers. basically if one person won the hole he'd get paid a total of $1 for it. if there was a tie then the next hole would be worth $2, etc. overall i didn't shoot a very good round, even though we didn't finish 18, but i know i got two snowmen. but i did win two pretty crucial holes, one worth three skins and the very last worth four skins. heh heh, i said foreskins... i also won one long drive and two closest to the pin, even though technically one was like a centimeter on the fringe. get this, the very last hole, which was worth the foreskins, i was the only one to hit the green on the par three so i already won the closest to the pin. willie ended up behind some trees and louis went way right. so i'm thinking i've got this hole in the bag. i was on the green but pretty far away from the pin and i had been putting like shit all afternoon. willie laid up and got on the green in three. louis lost a ball and i'm not sure what else he did but he was pretty much out of it. i'm on in one, willie is on in three, if i two put he's gotta make his medium length putt to tie. actually, willie was just off of the fringe and had to chip on leaving him a medium length putt on four. i make a weak putt and leave it short by about half the distance. i'm sitting on two strokes, willie is still on four. i've got to sink it in the next two strokes to win i figure. it takes me three more to sink the fucking putt! that puts me at double bogey, or five strokes. if willie makes his putt he ties it and no one gets the foreskins. if he misses i win them. i'm pretty scurred because willie has been money all afternoon on his putts. there was a small chance he'd miss because it was longer, slightly downhill, and there was finally some pressure on him to make his putt. he jerks it (hawman) and misses the putt! i ended up the big winner with 7 skins and 3 challenges (1 long, 2 closest). willie wasn't far behind as he actually won a bunch of holes but none that were worth any more than just one. i think louis won one hole, one long drive, and one closest to the pin. the results don't tell the story but we're actually fairly close in lack of skill level.

i didn't sleep for shit last night, don't know why. i got up in the morning and turned on the tv and flipped it to the animal planet. the show that was on was some pet vet show, real life vet experiences. they bring in this turtle from the zoo that has pneumonia, which apparently isn't good because they don't have diaphragms so can't cough any of the crap out. so to directly apply antibiotics to the turtle's lung tissue the vet decides he's going to take a household power drill and drill holes thru the shell directly its lungs. to knock the turtle out, the anesthetics are poured on a large towel and the turtle sits on it soaking up the fumes. once he's out the doc starts drilling this hole the width of a ball point pen right through the shell. get this, after the first hole gets drilled the turtle wakes up and pokes his head upwards! i guess the doc didn't think this was an issue because he proceeds to drill the second hole towards the other lung. they insert these cathethers into the holes and then apply some waterproof putty to hold them in place. he looked like some sort of frankenstein turtle with those two things sticking out of his shell.

i just saw a commercial on tv, counting crows and goo goo dolls tickets are selling for $10 each for this thursday's show at the woodlands. these seats are on the lawn, it's kinda like the shoreline amphitheatre in norcal. it's a haul but i think it'll be a good show, maybe i'll pick up a ticket.

oh yeah, this gal just winked at me on match.com, apparently she's into asian men...

dry dreams

it's funny how dreams work. two nights ago i was at duy's place and he asks me what's up with the ho's (he literally asked me that). i said not much, angela won't return my emails. that's an inside joke but the not much part is true. i might've screwed up there. she was happy to be back in, i prolly could've put it in her pooper. whatever, she was a ticking time bomb. then yesterday evening i was browsing thru myspace and i saw this gal mimi that i had met once or twice in houston thru mutual friends. i requested to add her to my circle and left for the previously mentioned soccer massacre. as far as i know these two are unrelated and unconnected.

this morning i had the funniest dream. i'm eating alone at some sidewalk cafe under an awning. who shows up and sits at the table next to me? mimi and angela. i try to say hello and right away angela starts busting out all kinds of attitude. she's screaming some shit about "cheating bastard" and the like. i never did, by the way, and am trying to defend myself. there was just a misunderstanding about breakup sex. mimi is trying to remain impartial through all of this. in my dream i'm thinking "sweet, i guess i'm not hitting that..." please, someone ask me about heidi klum and christine vu!