swiss cheese

those of you that know me know that when it comes to sports i'm pretty athletic and competitive. i've placed in indoor, sand, and grass volleyball, flag football, softball, and tennis tournaments. i've shot a 87 in golf. i got my ass totally handed to me tonight. i was goalie for our coed indoor soccer team tonight and we got the shit kicked out of us. i have never felt this totally helpless in any sport in my entire life. i'll play one on one against charles barkley and will do better than i did tonight. the final score was something like 25-3.

don't get me wrong, the team we played was pretty good. i found out afterwards that most of them played for the rice club team at some point. every time they had the ball, they usually had numbers on us. 3 on 1, 4 on 2 would be pretty normal. who would i try to cut off? didn't matter, same result - ball in the back of the net. if that were my goalie getting shelled and we had no chance of winning, i'd spend the rest of the game doing my best to prevent the opponent from scoring another goal.

here are the problems i see:
1) i don't know how to play soccer
2) i take games that are supposed to be for fun too seriously
3) if i get scored on repeatedly, i'm the only one that looks like an idiot with his pants around his ankles
4) i should be out running the field instead

i might be done playing goalie. my teammates play nice and tell me i did a good job but i think that's just to prevent me from opting out of it. really, what's the difference between 25-3 and 100-3? they could've put a stool out there and it would've done just as well. stool as in four legged, not a piece of turd. actually, i played like shit so maybe...

this is how demoralized and defeated i feel: i've completely lost my appetitve for popeye's fried chicken tonite! actually, i lied. after a shower i went to popeye's for a two piece spicy white with red beans and rice and mashed potatoes. damn that's some good shit.

a long saturday

this saturday the houston society for the prevention of cruelty to animals held their annual telethon to raise money. this is important because it runs on no aid from the city or state. the goal was to raise $300,000 but unfortunately they only raised around $247,000. most of that was from corporate sponsors. one sponsor, science diet, contributed $45,000 in addition to providing all of the food for the animals in the shelter on an ongoing basis. now that's cool. they didn't have a whole lot of stuff for volunteers to do. every 15 minutes i took index cards with donor names and amounts to the staff to read on the air and a slip of paper with the time and amount collected in the last 15 minutes to the producers. i did that for 2 hours. then from 6-8pm i wrote donor names on little cards to put in a jar for prize drawings. the bright spot was that over 100 adoptions were processed that day in addition to all of the money that was raised. oh yeah, three houston texans cheerleaders were there too.

later that night louis and i went to buffalo wild wings in the village to watch ufc 62. the main event was chuck lidell vs. renato sobral. three years ago they fought and lidell knocked him out with a left kick to the grill. sobral had been on a 10 match winning streak leading up to saturday night's title fight. chuck knocked his ass out 95 seconds into the first round. then there was the rematch between forrest griffin and stephan bonnar. kinda disappointing, bonnar sucked and lost by unanimous decision. unbelievable, on oct. 10 ortiz and shamrock are going to duke it out. again. ortiz has beat shamrock's ass in the last two, there is no reason this next one should be any different. i guess i'll be at bww watching this one as well, there were some cute honeys there that night...

manly women

i just saw a dairy queen commercial that was a little disturbing. a guy and his girl are on the couch watching tv. he's got this huge burger in his hands when his girl asks for a bite. he's a little surprised but hands it to her. she takes a big bite, seemingly enjoying it. then we start seeing her transformation. she starts leaning back real low. she puts one hand in her pants. she sniffs her armpit. she grabs the remote and turns it to a sporting event. and then she asks him to pull her finger. the tag line was something like "the dq chili burger. it'll make a man out of you."

this girl is hot and all this made her fairly unsexy. and is this how men really behave? go thru the list, when's the last time you (if you're a man or a dyke) or your man (if you're a woman or homo, not that there's anything wrong with it) did all of those things? this is a little embarassing but i pulled a girl's finger this weekend but she didn't toot.

chung king

so petr and i went to panda express for lunch today. why? cuz we were tired of star burgers, sombreros, charcoal chicken, and quiznos. each week we go thru each of these places at least once, we had to go for something new.

i think this location has been open for just a few weeks. we got there around 11:30am and there were about 2-3 dishes that hadn't been prepared and displayed yet. the guy behind the counter offered up samples of orange flavored chicken to petr and two white guys in front of me but not to me? wtf! i guess since i'm asian i already know what orange flavored chicken tastes like? prolly better than general tso's nuggets. who the hell is general tso anyway? anyhow, i get the same shit i usually get when i eat there: the two entree combo with fried rice, orange flavored chicken, and broccoli and beef. staples of the true chinese diet.

i didn't notice it until after we sat down that every time guests entered the "restaurant" the girl at the register yelled out "WELCOME TO PANDA!!!" shortly after a few other forced "pandas" came from the kitchen. can't they at least say something in chinese? wouldn't the white folks love to hear "tamada tze dah bien!" or something like that? when i go to japanese restaurants the staff yells out something japanese in unison. i don't know much japanese so i don't know what they're saying but it sounds welcoming. if it were my japanese joint they'd be saying "hey dumbass!" or "nice tits!" in japanese.

the food sucked. the best part of lunch was when petr started chewing on one of those dried chili's in the kung pao chicken and about died. i guess you had to be there.

oh yeah, i'm reminded of this one time i took a flight on northwest airlines from ny to minneapolis. mid-flight the stewardess comes down the aisle taking dinner orders. i keep hearing her ask "chinese chicken salad or pasta?" over and over as she works her way towards me. but as she gets to me she asks "chicken salad or pasta?" i don't remember which i chose but i was kinda annoyed.

death by breakfast

when's the last time you had some sugar babies? halloween perhaps? i can't remember the last time i had some. i forgot to bring yogurt to work this morning so i visited the vending machine for a morning snack. there they were, slot e1, sugar babies. they're like little beans made of grainy caramel. basically, sugar. i almost bought a pack on nostalgia alone but i didn't succumb. succumb. that's not a good word for straight guys. straight girls should love that word tho. love it and live it.

instead i bought f1, a hostess blueberry muffin loaf. i killed it in like 15 seconds and now it's sitting in my stomach like a greasy brick. loaf is not a good word either. word association brings to mind "pinch a".

avp kobayashi

did you guys watch the women's avp finals today at coney island? the match hasn't started but two things i love already: 1) rachel wacholder is in the finals and 2) her bikini bottom is getting smaller. ok, number two is obvious (i'll try to find and post a pic later) but why is number one significant? well, rachel was playing with this bitch elaine youngs previously and ey dropped her a few weeks ago. on her way to the finals this wknd rw and jenn boss beat ey and her new partner. when rw was asked how it felt to be playing with her new partner she replied something like "i think it's going to last. i love playing with her and couldn't be happier." in other words, f you ey.

yesterday on the men's side lambo and metzger beat up on rosie and gibb. gibb didn't have a single block in the match and rosie made a ton of hitting errors. in the post game interview, i liked what gibb said, that they're in it for the long haul and hope to continue to get better. in other words, if rosie doesn't smarten up he's history ;)

search "failure" on google and you get...

i'm sure the beastie boys and my lil norcal friend gloria would get a kick out of this.

there is a god, and He is a man

neo sent me a link to this photo of jessica biel today. i mean, shit, i'm speechless. if i were a cartoon character my eyes would have popped out of my head and my jaw would have hit the floor. i don't care if you're a guy or girl, straight or gay, you have to appreciate the ass on this woman. fuck.

also, if i were a cartoon character i'd be all over cheetara from thundercats. and jessica rabbit.

avp manhattan f

the avp is on nbc this weekend, 4:30 cst sat and sunday. it's special because it's the manhattan open. while from a points perspective it might not be worth more, if you win this tournament your name is permanently etched onto the manhattan pier. karch kiraly's name is on there a few times and he's an old fart that is competing in the tournament this weekend as well. will he be in the finals tomorrow? probably not, i think his time is over. these tall high jumping fools are taking over.

i'm guessing we'll see lambert and metzger against thin beast and rogers in the mens finals tomorrow. i'm curious, what would happen if say george roumain and paul chin won the manhattan open and their names get etched into the pier. but being as huge as they are, the avp decides to test them for doping. would they take their names off and give it to me and neo since we were runner ups (or is that runners upseseses)? earlier today they showed an avp tournament in birmingham, alabama. no honeys in the stands. not so at manhattan beach, pussy galore.

in the women's finals it's misty may and kerri walsh against elaine youngs and something mason. i'm pretty sure may and walsh are gonna win. ey dropped rachel wacholder last week. that'd be like me dropping neo. ok, not exactly but rw is pretty good. and hot.

will work for ass

i currently work for accenture finance solutions, or afs. in sf i worked for accenture procurement solutions, or aps. i just got roped into this new project and get emails from a guy that works for accenture shared services.

hella dope

so 2006 tour de france winner floyd landis' second urine sample came back positive for high levels of testosterone. this is the first time in the cycling event's 103 year history that the winner could be stripped of his title due to doping allegations. floyd has been dismissed from the phonak team and he could possibly face a two year ban from cycling. here are some of the possible excuses offered up by landis and his defense team: cortisone shots taken for pain in his degenerating hip; drinking beer and whiskey the night before; thyroid medication; dehydration; and his natural metabolism. greg lemond, the first american tdf winner, is disappointed and thinks landis should just confess for the good of the sport. what would you do? here's one interesting bit though. according to landis, he was tested 8 other times during the race and all of those came back negative. hey doctors, would a single dose of testosterone, synthetic or otherwise, be enuf to make an immediate difference? on one hand it would seem possible since the test was taken shortly after his miraculous statge 17 comeback. if it is possible i might consider taking it just before our annual las vegas westside volleyball tournament. i'm guessing i'd jump higher, hit harder, and break some bricks in the walls. how would it affect my performance at ch2?

i'm a beast

this picture was taken at the grand lux cafe by the galleria in houston. we were there to celebrate willie's and jeremy's birthdays. jadyn, willie's 2.5 year old daughter, was acting up so i had to put her in her place.

what you don't see is that she was giggling away and slipped out of my grasp like water. damn childish escape artist...

sounds...

i've got like zero time to be doing this at the office but here i am writing while it's fresh on my mind. you ever been on a conference call with folks you've never met in person and think "she sounds cute" or "he sounds fat"? the moderator for this call i just got off of sounded young and cute. typical accenture consultant i guess. i wonder what i sound like. "sounds like a little bitch."

the probe

i'm sitting at an intersection on the way to jaycee park where i play intimate frisbee. on the left i see a green ford probe. say that aloud with me. ford probe. you guys remember when the ford probe first came out? i think i was in high school at the time and we all thought it was a pretty cool car. but seriously, was intruder already taken by another car company?

before we get the official results of landis' second urine sample a source has already leaked (no pun intended) that it contains traces of synthetic testosterone. this is contrary to landis' defense that his body naturally produces high levels of testosterone. i guess lance never had this problem seeing as how he's short some testicles. and doesn't landis look like an elf or gnome? he should be in a travelocity commercial.